Author: cesingh

From my personal experience in resilience and transcendence, B.A. in Psychology, teaching under the Hardiness model of stress management and practice as a mental health peer mentor.

Attachment- Attachment is what you have left when you remove all the aspects that serve you from a relationship or position. It is the tie that bounds you, out of pattern and with out critical examination, to people, possessions and beliefs.  It is closely related to the need to rely on externalities to define you. When our identity is tied to a relationship or job, we place our self-worth in entities outside the realm of our control, and maximize the possibility that we will endure with these things, even if they become unhealthy or harmful. I am not speaking of the attachment we may feel to our parents, or the attachment we may feel in a mutually-fulfilling relationship. Of-course, there are healthy forms of attachment. But attachment should never be a bond that keeps us in a place arbitrarily, or that detriments us and holds us back from growing. Attachment does not only occur in interpersonal and professional contexts, we can also develop unhealthy attachments to things, and even to our own (negative) thoughts. To be without attachment is to be in a state of flow, to accept all that life has much to offer, and to be open to taking that in.

In the words of Eckhart Tolle: “How do you let go of attachment to things? Don’t even try. It’s impossible. Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them.”

Buddhism teaches that attachment is the root of suffering. Of course, to function in modern day society we can’t free ourselves of all attachments, to loved ones, future goals etc. But we can become conscious of how we interact with these, of the patterns we have. This implies that we gain insight into ourselves, and realize that many of the attachments we form stem from feelings of deficiency and attempts at external compensation. Critical examination of attachment also necessitates reflection on the transient nature of all things, but consequently entails that we enjoy them more deeply in the now.

Mindset- We have a pretty small circle of what we can control in life. The circle includes, in its entirety, ourselves. Nothing else is in our control. Yes we can effect others, work hard and influence our academics and future careers, but we do not control for certain where we will end up, or what the end circumstances will be. Therefore, we can not control our happiness by any means external to ourselves (are you sensing a theme here?). What we can control though, is our mindset. The world is not something we perceive objectively. It is filtered through our mental schemas, colored by our past experiences, values and beliefs. The good news is we can effect these much more than we may realize. This isn’t to say that when we have mental illness or have gone through trauma we can just “think ourselves out of it” and “choose to happy.” However, many trivial and even serious issues in our lives can be transformed depending on how we perceive them.

Carol Dweck developed the concept of the “growth mindset” which holds that all abilities can be enhanced as the result of hard work, as well as embracing and learning from failure. Brain plasticity research supports this concept. A positive or growth mindset isn’t just something you can immediately switch on, but like any habit, once you work at it, it becomes much easier to sustain. This difference can be as small as viewing a walk across a parking lot as a means to enjoy the weather, rather than as a time-wasting nuisance. It can be a filtering of negative our self-talk, from noticing an aspect of our appearance we think needs work to wholly accepting and reveling in this individual facet of ourselves. It can be the meaning we find in a seeming disaster, from seeing a huge mistake (oh, such as missing a critical grad school deadline) as a meaningful, alteration in our path, rather than an immense failure and setback.

Maybe you’re tired of hearing about positive mindset, but whether you’re well versed on the subject, or it’s novel to you,  would you rather be in control of your mind or be controlled by it?

Meaning- Many psychological theorists, along with spiritual leaders elaborate on the concept of a meaningful or purposeful existence. Often, it is spoken of in the context of reaching a higher plane of existence such as enlightenment in Buddhism, or a final stage in human development such as Maslow’s “self-actualization.” However, it has become increasingly clear that one can develop a sense of meaning at any stage in life.

Without a sense of what truly matters to us, we are much more likely to get caught up in the trivialities of life, from irrelevant conflict with others, to superficial companionship, to a materialistic life based on accumulating possessions.

Finding a sense of purpose- and striving to live in line with it diminishes our need to find a sense of fulfillment in frivolous or lack luster means. As an aside, this isn’t to say we all need to figure out our life’s great purpose, at 18 or 25 or even 50. It’s not about locking one thing down. Rather, attaching ourselves to one discrete means of intent can actually be harmful. (Though, some of us will find an emotionally and spiritually lucrative path and stick to it.) Instead, we should follow what feels meaningful and authentic to us, in whatever form that may take. How do we do this? We get quiet and listen. Many of us spend so much of our day lost in mental clutter that we don’t even know what we truly feel. We must become quiet and still to access the deeper levels of ourselves. There are many ways to approach this, meditation, emotional focusing, journaling; you have to find the one that works for you. Being in nature, and out of urban environments where we are constantly bombarded with messages can also enhance this connection immensely.

Also, remember that you can not subscribe to the meaning others give you. Whether it’s your parents persuading you to follow a certain career path, your society telling you must get married and raise children, or a church telling you that you must live in accordance with its principles. This is your life, you unique, beautiful, dynamic incarnation. The circumstances you are born into do not necessitate your identity. While we must live within certain limits to survive, we have more freedom than we realize. If something is driving you, nagging at you to give it your intention, this is your authentic self. You owe it to yourself and to society to explore that. The belief that this thing may be “too out there”, or that you don’t know how to bring it to fruition, or fear of how others will receive it, are your superficial thoughts.

We all know deep down that a happy life will not come from money, things, or a successful career with out heart. So imagine your life in 5, 10, 20 years if you go down that road that excites you, even if it seems the less logical choice. Then imagine if you don’t. Who would you rather be?